My Dream Day

Today's HAWMC prompt: describe your ideal day. How would you spend your time? Who would you spend it with? Have you had this day? If not – how could you make it happen?

You know, I've been thinking about this all day off and on.  The truth is I have never imagined what a "dream day" would look like and at the same time I do it constantly.  What I mean is that I often have a plan or vision how a day will go, what I will spend my time on and who.  And sometimes the day comes out looking like I imagined or even better.  Other times, complete disaster - which is when I hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete and switch up my expectations with a new on the fly ideal plan. 

Some examples:  

Travel:  When I think of an ideal day for me, it often will entail spending time in a fabulous city, being a tourist.  I get to sleep until 8:30 or even later if I want to. I'll eat something delicious and have a dark, rich coffee. I'll browse through my guidebook over breakfast, which I'll be having with Mr. Wonderful, of course, and we'll talk about what we want to see that day. Then we walk and take public transportation to a museum we've been wanted to visit and spend 4 hours or so there, having a light lunch in the museum cafe (these always seem to have pretty good food).  We don't try to cram a bunch of sites into one day - maybe we take a self-guided walking tour around town or go to a historic building, neighborhood, cemetery - whatever...  At some point we stop for a coffee and a snack.  Later in the afternoon we'll sit outside at a cafe with a great people-watching view (because the weather is always perfect on a day like this), and have a beer or glass of wine depending on where we are.  We pick someplace to have dinner, we may go back to the hotel for a nap. The pace is natural, not forced. Since we are relaxed, there will of course be some sex. After our fabulous dinner at a small neighborhood restaurant, we'll have a stroll on a romantic street, or along a promenade - and end the evening ready for an amazing night's sleep on an incredibly comfortable bed in a cute little boutique hotel. Because on a dream day, you get all the rest you need.

I've had days exactly like this with Mr. Wonderful in at least 5 different cities.

Camping:  For me, the perfect day of camping comes the day after you've completed a strenuous hike into pristine wilderness with a heavy back on your back and set up camp near a glorious lake.  Morning comes and your back is NOT sore after sleeping on a thin pad on the ground because it's your dream day afterall. You boil water for coffee and oatmeal, the sky is clear and the air is a little cool. Your kids are entertaining themselves throwing rocks into a lake or poking around near the camp. No complaining about the food. No fighting or whining of any kind.  We pack a lunch for a day hike to another lake maybe 3 or 4 miles away and the walk is glorious. Winding through groves of trees, over rocky hilltops and through one or two meadows full of wildflowers. We get to the lake and strip down to go for a swim since the hike was a little strenuous and it's warmer now. Bask in the sunshine on a rock in our undies (or swimsuits, or naked depending on who all is there) to dry. Have some lunch.  Try our hand at a little fishing even though mid-day is not a great time to catch fish. We don't really care.  At some point we pack ourselves back up and hike back to our base camp. I'd probably make some dinner while Mr. Wonderful and Wild Thing did some fishing. Teen Wonder is off by herself on a rock next to the lake reading or writing in her journal.  We eat some dinner and build a little fire (because there's no fire danger on your ideal day). Then we hang around the fire and camp playing Bananagrams or cards, having cocoa. Maybe some scotch for the grownups. And we'll make s'mores.  The kids go to bed without a fight or any complaining. Mr. Wonderful and I sit up a little while longer by the fire just quietly or talking a little about our day.  We look at the starry sky and pick out constellations, and then we hit the sleeping bag pretty early because it's dark and we won't have any trouble sleeping on the thin pads on the ground. 

I haven't had this exact day with both kids - but I could put together a composite from several fun camp days.

There's a weekend version of an ideal day that involves sleeping in a little, but not too late.  Getting some exercise right away and then a nice long hot shower.  On and ideal weekend day I wouldn't have all the obligations of laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc.  I would have maybe one baseball game to go to, or a kung fu class - but not a lot of driving around. No driving is the best, unless we want to go on an excursion to a beach or hiking trail.  I would have at least 2 hours to devote to something crafty. I would have time to try a new recipe and bake some fresh cornbread or a berry pie. The family would all have a friendly, happy dinner together - no fighting or complaining or Wild Thing refusing to sit in his seat or Teen Wonder texting.  After dinner Teen Wonder does the dishes immediately and we have time to play a game of Sorry! or Life. And time to watch an episode of Adventure Time as a family. The kids will go to bed (after story time for Wild Thing) without any hassle. Mr. Wonderful and I will have a couple hours of grown-up time together. Maybe we'll make cocktails and sit and talk on the back patio in our lovely yard (not lovely yet, but in my ideal day it will be). 

We've had weekend days like this. I wish they were more frequent, but we have a lot of activities and obligations that make most weekends fairly hectic.

I think I will leave out the ideal work day. But it would entail no commute, a clear list of goals for the day, a sense of accomplishment, time for some exercise, and a family dinner.

To be honest, I don't feel like there are any solid barriers to having days like these - just stuff that happens. That's life.  In my ideal world, I would of course be done with diabetes and all things autoimmune. I'd have more control over my own time.  But I don't spend anytime fantasizing about these things - well, not the absence of any disease anyway.  So I work as hard as I can to streamline my medical care and take care of myself. And I constantly battle the overextension issues that I have in time management. Then my "perfect" days can be more frequent. I'm okay with not every day being perfect anyway - I'd probably start to take them for granted rather than observing the moment with gratitude for the gift of every day, good or bad.

Top 10 list

HAWMC writing prompt for today? 10 Things you couldn't live without. Make a list of the 10 things you need (or love) the most.

My top 10 list of what I need to live:

1. Insulin, without which I will literally wither up and die)

2. Love in my life (I could conceivably survive a significantly less meaningful life without one or the other of Mr. Wonderful, my children, my friends - but I don't think I could survive if I had no one to love)

3. Sleep - preferably 8 hours uninterrupted in a comfy bed

4. Pen and Paper - I need something to write with no matter what. Often it's just a little list I need to make, but I need to have something.

5. Exercise - preferably including yoga in the balance. I need exercise not only for fitness, but just to remind me to breath some days!

6. Nature - to be in it, to study it, absorb it, worship in it.  Ocean, mountains, desert - they all make me feel happy and alive.

7. Blood glucose monitoring - I do a terrible job without it and feel terrible too.

8. Creative outlet. I'm actually flexible about what can count for this. When I was a bench scientist I didn't have as much need for artsy activities, or to cook as much.

9. Stories - specifically books and movies.

10. Time alone.  I used to think of myself as an extrovert - but really I do need some time alone. Not a huge amount, but definitely some.

There are some other things I can't imagine living without, but I know I could really. Like music.  Or the internet. Or avocado. Or the fact that I need at least one bag (or huge pockets) at all times to carry around my "essentials".  I'm sure the list could get very very long!  And I didn't include many of the basics that I take for granted, like water, food, shelter, money - and it makes me sad that so many in our world are lacking the basic means for survival.

For lent this year I kept a Gratitude Journal and challenged myself to write in it everyday.  I have so much to be thankful for, not the least of which is being able to have and experience all the things on my top ten list several times over.

On Blessings and Gratitude and other Stuff

So, for any Catholics or Protestants of the Apostolic brand - you all know we are in the middle of Lent.  Some number (2,3,5?) of years ago, I decided to do something proactive for Lent rather than giving up some vice or whatnot.  I made a commitment to a practice of gratitude. Although I've learned recently I'm actually more like Thomas Jefferson and the Deists of his age*, I still honor the Easter season. Because you don't really need to invoke the magic of a reincarnation of a man born of a virgin who is the son of God incarnate (it's the magical stuff I get stuck on), to appreciate the real live magic of renewal and rebirth that happens in the springtime. Look around you - aren't you amazed?!

Over the years. this time of year has become a "fully loaded" emotional time for me, and for our family in general.   Two times during Lent I've had a pregnancy I didn't think would make it through to a real live baby. The first time I was wrong, and after weeks on bed rest with threatened demise of the pregnancy (and  host of other problems!), Teen Wonder emerged - the survivor. The understated Tiger she will always be. Fighting because she knew what she wanted even though she didn't yet know what it was. So her. And I'm so grateful for that miracle. Three years later Teen Wonder's father and I divorced (well initiated the divorce) during Lent.  The second time I went through a difficult pregnancy during Lent, I was right, unfortunately, and I'm still struggling with that bad ending. Though a little less each year that goes by.  Then in 2005, our adoption of Wild Thing was finalized during this same season - amazing ride that was!  And that year Easter fell in between the court date in Kazakhstan and our "Family Day" of April 8th. That was the day we went to the Baby House as a family (Mr. Wonderful, Teen Wonder who was at that time just pre-teen Wonder, and I), and Wild Thing came away with us - leaving the only home he'd known in his 8 1/2 months to come and make a bigger family with us.  Teen Wonder and I thought we were so clever on the first anniversary of this Family Day when we coined it the "Roman Holiday". I'm not sure she even has ever seen the movie, but I explained it to her and we laughed and ever since that is what we celebrate. Roman Holiday to us - Family Day to everyone external to us. This year our Roman Holiday is on Easter Sunday, and Wild Thing is more curious about the whole then than ever before.

I suppose it is understandable, but my emotions are typically all over the map this time of year, and a practice of gratitude can keep things pointed in the right direction. The other direction isn't so great and I've gone there enough times now, I no longer need to visit that place. Recently I've expressed gratitude for my improving health here on this blog - for new drugs, believers in the power of healing, plastic surgeons who don't want to scar up my hands, technology that makes it harder for me to be a bad diabetic, friends and family who support me and really (really) care about me. I hope that comes through in my writing. All of this is really amazing to me - I feel incredibly lucky. I know that there are so many people out there with similar or worse health issues who don't have the resources or the support that I have and that is not fair or just. Still, I am so grateful I do have what I have.

Tonight I was reminded that in my very immediate community of friends and colleagues, there is another type 1 diabetic, 2 friends with Dupuytren's contracture in their hands, and another chronic sarcoid patient.  I believe this reminder helps me fulfill my New Year's resolution to not be so f@#*ing special - I am in fact surrounded by loving and sincere people who suffer the same as me, laugh at life the same as me, shrug away irritating symptoms and required lifestyle changes the same as me.

Yay! And I hope that every person suffering a chronic and/or debilitating disease can find the support they need in their community of friends and family. None of us will live forever - but we all deserve to live happily or at least surrounded by understanding, love and support.

I have that. And for that I am grateful. Personally, I belive that Jesus would be pretty happy with this much - no miracles required.

Today I am grateful that I am not all that special. And I'm grateful to live in such a terrific community (both home and professionally).  So, thanks!

*So I listened to a podcast on Thomas Jefferson's version of the bible (New testament) where he basically cut out anything that required magic and miracles and kept the messages of Christ's teachings. Thomas Jefferson believed in a "God", but that this God didn't play a hand in our every day lives in a direct way.  He didn't believe all the magical stuff, but he did believe Jesus was a real person and that the ethical system of Jesus was the finest the world has ever seen. Jefferson's version of the bible was incredibly short - I don't remember at the moment, but something like 46 pager, or 64 pages...anyway it was much less than 100 pages and so quite short really. I keep meaning to look it up - you must be able to read the whole thing on the internet somewhere, right? One of these days...

Needle aponeurotomy - success!

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been trying to use the power of gratitude in my life to continue a physical healing path. Practicing gratitude is a nice thing to do during Lent (or during the springtime in general if you don't observe Lent). It's the time for new life and change...we have to embrace it!

What I'm grateful for this week? The results of my hand procedure - needle aponeurotomy, or NA release for short.  Last time I showed you a couple of pictures of my right hand and the cord that was pulling my middle finger toward my palm. I have Duyputren's in both hands and fairly extensively, but most of the nodules have stayed mostly flat...except this finger.

I mean really - I couldn't flip anyone off in traffic!  Who lives like that? It was horrible!

Anyway, I had this procedure last Friday, and so one week out I thought I would show you the results.  The procedure didn't really hurt much. It was like going to the dentist where the only part that hurts are the shots of novocaine before the drilling.  As with my dental experiences, I have some resistance to novocaine and it takes extra shots to numb me. But still...not too bad and I didn't have to go under general anesthesia, so the whole thing took less than 45 minutes there at the doctor's office. I even drove myself home.

Once my palm and most of my fingers were numb, the doc used a sharp larger gauge needle to nick and saw at the cord in about 10 different spots.  Every once in awhile he'd stop and try to open my hand to straighten.  He warned me that there may be some popping sounds when the release happened. But I still wasn't prepared for the loud CRKCRKCRKKKCKPOPPOPPOP sound when my cord finally gave out.  He said probably due to diabetes the cord was a little more gnarly than on non-diabetic patients (makes sense to me since there could be passive glycosylation and bond formation in the collagen structures in presence of excess sugar).  Anyway, I felt like such a bad patient already - wincing and "ouch"ing with the shots - when that sound hit, I instinctively drew my knees up toward my chest in some protective (knee jerk, duh) reaction. It didn't hurt at all! Just an unnatural breaking sound that you instinctively feel is just plain wrong coming from your hand.  There was a second popping at my middle knuckle, but it wasn't quite as bad and I was more prepared for it.

Then he bandaged me up and sent me on my way.  It's been a bit stiff, not too sore except when I stretch it out which I'm trying to do frequently.  Typing has been a bit of a challenge, but I was able to go to work right away on Monday. Easy peasy!

Maybe you can see a couple of the punctures and a little swelling on my palm, but not bad. 

Below is the "before just to refresh your memory (and mine!)

After:

And my hand is nearly straight!

Before - I couldn't place my palm on the counter at all. 

Yay!!

I am very GRATEFUL for this success on my hand!

And I'm feeling good overall - no stomach issues lately (I'm still on the experimental drug regimen), no migraines or unmanageable headaches.  I really need to plot out a fitness regimen, because I'm still not in very good condition and my blood sugars are still somewhat unstable. Exercise really helps even all that out.

It's a New Year! I resolve to stop being "special"!

Hahaha! right.
It's a funny thing - and I know anyone who suffers a chronic and/or mysterious and inexplicable disorder can relate.

It's not that great being special. Wouldn't it be great to just be average and normal?  Get average scores on your lengthy laboratory reports? Just see a doctor once a year for a "check-up" - or maybe only once every 2-5 years?  I know people like that (like Mr. Wonderful).

On the other hand, as I share more about my health now than I ever have in my life, one interesting result is the realization that once again, "we are all special in our own special way".  Yes, there are a majority of basically problem free bodies running around us, and it is so easy to just assume that this is really how the majority of people live their lives.  Actually I hope that is true - it would make me happier to know that more people feel pretty good most of the time than to imagine most people spend a lot of time suffering some ailment of another. I may feel envious, but never would I wish a health problem on someone.

I guess being special is just that. If you are special, you can make of it what you will.  So many people have shared their own stories with me, and it is comforting to know that you are never really alone unless you choose to be.

Starting this new year, I will say that I have so much love and affectionate feeling in my heart for the friends, colleagues, family members, and even relative strangers who have reached out to say something supportive. I have to send out props especially to my mom who flew down without hesitation to help out Mr. Wonderful, who was drowning under the stress of running a household (during the holidays!) and parenting.  The Casserole Brigade from our Parish came to the rescue several times.  And Mr. Wonderful - what can I say? He's my hero.  He and our kids fill this house with life and love (and chaos and conflict too).  Even with my current personal struggle with my own well-being, I'm still damned lucky!

So here's to 2012 and I'd like to resolve to being just a little less special!

When you can't tell if you are derailed or moving forward...

...rest assured. We are all still moving forward whether we think so or not.

I had been feeling derailed due to the last episode of CVS and how long it's taken to feel recovered. But some things happened this week, so I am moving forward nonetheless.

I've been feeling emotional, and worried that means my hormones are wacky. But since there's nothing I can do about my hormones at the moment, I decided to stop and feel some of the emotions.

For example, I was thinking a lot about one of my first aerobics instructors from Gold's Gym in Berkeley after I moved here to go to grad school. Jimmy. He was so funny - and in my memory I still see his late 80s aerobics outfits burned there permanently. We got to be friends like you do when you are the student who always goes to the front of the class, and you ride BART together sometimes and compare mixtapes in your Walkman to see what the other is listening to.  But still "gym friends" - one of those special compartmentalized friendships that we form, and they seem pretty  transient when you look back over longer periods of your life. I think I started thinking about Jimmy because the satellite radio in my car is dialed to "First Wave" - ie alternative from late 80s early 90s - and they've been playing a lot of Yaz. And that was one of Jimmy's favorites. And I've been boning up on some HIV science for work lately. And Jimmy was the first person I knew who got AIDS, and then died too quickly after diagnosis.

I saw the acupunturist/chinese medicine man on Wednesday.  He was quite remarkable - I can see why he has a cult-like following in Yelp and on BPN. I'll call him Dr. Who in honor of his cult status and enigmatic apparent brilliance since I'm still uncomfortable using people's real names in my blog without their knowledge or permission.

It took me like an hour and a half to fill in all the questionnaires for this first appointment ahead of time. Then we spent an hour going over all of it.  As I suspected, my body is out of whack. duh. But he didn't treat any of it like it was incomprehensible. In fact, my long term health history is pretty interesting, and I have long thought that the right type of doctor would want to dig in and figure out what the common thread is to my largely over-reactive autoimmune system. Because the stuff I have doesn't all tie together like the textbooks...but there have to be some threads tying them all together. It wouldn't be right otherwise to have diabetes, chronic sarcoid, weird stuff in your history like Guillian-Barre and Horner's syndrome, and cluster headaches, and thyroid nodules with autoantibodies, and blah blah blah...you can go back to an earlier post if you want a current laundry list. But the history is even worse!

Dr. Who is fascinated my my history, has seen similar complex people, and wanted to know what I thought about how some of these things tie together - especially the sarcoid and autoimmune issues and had I ever been tested for Lyme disease (yes, in grad school when I had some weird hip dysplasia thing), and what did I think about other infectious causes (yes, I've thought about that a lot given some of this started when I went to Africa for example).

He even works with Duypetren's (though I still have to get the finger straightened out that's already curling up).

Dr. Who had some scoring thing for hormone balances and depletion and felt my pulse (I guess the Chinese version) - declared my blood was barely moving and given the state of my adrenals and testosterone, etc. etc. that it was only a testament to my force of will (and I guess my sense of humor) that I'm still functioning at as high a level as I am.

He seemed to "get" me - which scared me a little to be honest. When I lay down on the table to get needled, he left the room for a few minutes and I burst into tears. I had to get them out to make room for some hope.

I realized that this force of will thing is big for me. And the thing about using your will to move you around and through obstacles and to move what feel like mountains just to get through one day to the next is that you get cynical. You start to believe only in yourself and that there isn't much to be done "for" you medically so if you want to carry on you'd better just get to it.  To give up some of that control to make room for hope is really hard. Hope should be omnipresent - it is the ultimate healing sentiment. It also means taking that risk of disappointment and failure.

I'm such a dork.  I think or did think of myself as a very hopeful person.  But I used to think I was romantic too, and eventually realized I'm completely cynical about love too.  Although Mr. Wonderful changed my mind and heart in that regard, so I know that change is possible. But it takes a long time.

After over 30 years of dealing with chronic disease(s), the fact of the matter is, I guess, that I have lost hope and replaced it with stubborn self reliance and force of will. Dr. Who made me want to hope for a change.

Keep Calm and Carry On!

Is there really such a thing as "self-help"?

Well, of course there is. But I've had at least 3 conversations in the past week that touched on why we need help. From OTHER PEOPLE.

Like your family. Your husband, your daughter, your mom, your sister. (even Wild Thing in his own way). These are all people who truly madly deeply love and care for me. And they are all smart, and sensitive, and complex all in different ways. And they've known me a long time - especially probably my sister who I let see all my sides pretty early on. My mom has been a rock for me since I let her into my life after Grace was born. Before that, I didn't really think we had that much in common and she seemed mysterious to me. What a shock to learn over the past 17 years how much like my mom I am.  I remember when I was like, 10, or 15, thinking I was more like my dad - volatile, moody, kinda a cry-baby (sorry dad if you are reading this but it's sort of true you have to admit...maybe "sap" is more fair to both of us).  But that is 100% incorrect. Of course, I'm my own complex individual, not some clone of my mother - I'm just saying  Kind of another way where we are dumb about things as youngsters, and for some of us, painfully lacking in self-awareness.  Late bloomers is what my mom and I have in common in that sense.  Anyway, I am also blessed to have more extended family who are so supportive of me (like the nicest mother-in-law anyone could ask for and all my in-law relatives in Mr. Wonderful's family for that matter - I guess that's how he turned out practically perfect in every way. minus the magic carpet bag. And the boobs...), and cousins and aunts and on and on...

And of course most people accept help from their medical core team - since we are talking about Self Help primarily from the health side of things. However, I happen to be a very bad patient - argumentative, always coming in with obnoxious questions based on things I read in Science News, or worse ON THE INTERNET!  I question everything, every test, every new medication, why do you need to put in a 3rd IV when I already have 2 - can't you combine up some of that tubing somewhere!?  I'm a pain in the ASS for these fine medical professionals.

Anyway, I had this same conversation with Lynn the diabetes educator on Friday at my appointment.  And I explained to her how much more I let myself rely on others for support than I did, say, 15 or 20 years ago.  There's a wisdom category I'm glad to have accrued some stock in over the years.

btw - I had a successful couple of weeks re tuning my diabetes care regimen. Little things, like tweaking the basal rates of insulin my pump spits out, and the revelation that I don't have to limit these adjustments due to my frequent travels. DUH! My pump can store additional profiles, like one specifically for travel that I can switch to. Now why did I never think of this obvious thing myself? Well, sometimes we just need some supportive person to gently tweeze that kind of solution out of us. Lynn didn't know that my pump could do that actually, but if I hadn't been brainstorming with her I never would have. wow. Anyway, my software for data dumping and reporting all my blood sugar and insulin info spit out these 2-week reports and I made the last 2-week report for Lynn as well as the report for the preceding 2 weeks. There are these little pie charts showing how many of your sugars are above "range" (i.e. over 140 mg/dl), how many are below (lower than 65 mg/dl), and how many are in range.  So just 2 weeks of continuous glucose monitoring and me making this a higher priority resulted in an old pie chart that was something like 90% yellow (over range), 2% red (below), and less than 10% in range.  Now, I do test a lot, including post-meals which are rarely under 140 and that's okay.  BUT come on - really? 90% over?  Guess what the new one looked like? close to 50% "in range", and 45% over range. I had a couple more lows...so that's where the balance comes in at some point. Get as tight as you can without too many of those hypoglycemic episodes. They are a little scary. I've never actually passed out or anything, but I have gotten lightheaded with sort of black spotty vision which is very close ( I know from fainting a couple of other times).  Anyway, that was worth a little happy dance - progress that is right there in the data - my favorite kind!


Back to your support network - And lastly my friends - the ones who aren't my family (for they surely count). I have such a fabulous range of different friends, and as I said in my previous post (or was it 2 back?) - I need to get into the habit again of reaching out to them. Going for coffee, going for lunch, talking on the phone, going for walks together.  I haven't been doing enough of that AT ALL. I was visiting with a good friend who is here from out of town for the AASLD (Liver) conference (hey, it's my job - I know it sounds goofy to go to a Liver conference).  He was pretty much lecturing me on not being so hard on myself, being more optimistic about the future where in his mind there will be a CURE for diabetes, and that I have this great life and my health is not so bad.

And he's right. My health is still manageable - nothing that is threatening my life in an imminent manner. I am lucky. I haven't had to add an Oncologist to my team yet, or a Cardiologist...

And I have a great marriage (11 years yesterday - yay), and these two intelligent, sensitive, complex children who are growing into the most interesting people you'd ever want to know. I have a good job that I still find interesting (most of the time).

But about this CURE for diabetes, we did have an argument about that one. I care so much more about a possible prevention for young people at risk for diabetes - have autoantibodies, but at this point there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent type 1 from striking.  Type 2 probably needs even more attention, since it's becoming such an epidemic...but a cure for an old diabetic like me is less important than taking care of what I've got with the best tools available. If I ever do get cured, I'd like all my parts to still be in working order more or less!

In short, self-help is the cornerstone - no one else can do this for you. But you can't do it alone. Well, I can't anyway. There is a level of stoicism that I notice I also picked up from my amazing mother - it can serve you well as long as you know when to lower your shield.

wishing you all good health and long life!

There will be celebration breaks in Janet's Self Help Book

The weekend was a little grueling. Not really a wise move after my extended illness. Mother would not have approved.  But Teen Wonder was admitted to Humboldt State on Early Admission Day,and it was a fun day - for her back up school it is still a good fit for her.  It's a 6 hour drive away, so we flew on miles and rented a car. It's hard to drive on some of these stomach meds so I had to wing it a bit. We're home safe.

She's happy.

I felt the sunshine on my cheek this afternoon and stopped to just breath and enjoy the moment of peace. A real feeling of peace no matter how short.

I let tears come over me on my pillow next.Just tears of release. nothing more