Friday, October 21, 2011


Coming to the end of yet another bout of gastrointestinal ugliness lasting over a week, it’s time to take stock.  I’ve been pushing too hard for too long, both physically and emotionally and I am slowly killing myself.  For so long now, diabetes has been playing second or 3rd or even 4th fiddle to so many other pressing concerns. Job, travel for job, Teen Wonder, Wild Thing – such beautiful sensitive children, and they need their mom real-time. Mu Wonderful? Even he takes precedence over my heath because without him sometimes feel I would wither like a dead flower anyway. That’s a pretty lost and dependence feeling. That doesn’t feel like me at all.

My hobbies (see other blog) are crammed in there and the little time I have for them serves as a respite for me. But even there the priorities aren't right. I need to take care of my body in a more holistic way. I've told a couple of only my closest friends (because who else would care) how detached I can become from my body especially during a long illness like this, but even just day to day so that I can "BE" the role I want for that day rather than the diabetic, health-challenge person pretending to be that role.  I still test my blood sugars, make adjustments to insulin, take pills on time, etc. But it is all on autopilot and not with any presence of mind to stop and think - "hey, these numbers really stink last couple of days! What should I do?".  And when it comes to my stomach I'm always on triage mode when I could be more proactive more often.

What to do? Quit my job? Well, let's just stop for a moment to note that we couldn't pay our mortgage without my job, so  whole lof of other problems arise from this line of thinking.  BUT! Would that really be what makes a difference and magically fix everthing? Maybe with all the time I’d have I could really monitor sugars the way I should, exercise each day, not self-medicate at night with another glass of wine. Sure. But that isn’t the life I have. I love my family and need to work with more discipline in the time constraints I do have.

And with some kindness to myself. With is normally lacking.

Oh and a personal assistant, trainer, and chef would be fabulous while we're asking for miracles.  But then we are back to the money thing

This blog is a lot more personal than I've ever been comfortable with. Hopefully I'll walk the line just this side of TMI because I know it can get tricky. I am not going to get into my complex medical history here unless a lot of people keep asking the same questions. (all, um, zero of you)

Also, I'm trying to organize a real approach to how a person without Kaiser insurance who has a lot of different special needs can build a team - a network of medical competencies (either the people themselves, or the information organization). We are facing similar issues trying to pull together a team to help Wild Thing do his best, and it's been pretty painful on our own.  Is it possible to make a roadmap? a personal "Self-help book"?

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